Tuesday, September 20, 2005

MEET THE NEIGHBOURS


Woke at 6.30am – result!
Woke at 6.30am with a mind-blowing headache, a cold and the vexed problem of our neighbours with whom we had dinner last night.

I’ll not relate the whole sorry story of our evening but suffice to say it started with Mrs. Neighbour greeting me with ’what are you wearing?  It looks like something you’d wear in Auschwitz’, and went downhill from there.

I almost lost it completely in the restaurant later when Mrs. N was not only contradicting every opinion I had on furniture, shopping, restaurants, music, every topic raised in fact, but also on London – no no no, that’s MY town (or at the very least OVP’s). I felt the uneasy shuffling of the TH and Mr. N (who is actually a sweetheart who can’t get a single word in edgeways), as my voice got louder and louder and my fin stood upright in a prelude to attack.

Of course the real problem is that she reminds me of my mother, so in an ‘unresolved mother-issue way’ I was taking everything she said personally rather than laughing it off as I would normally have done with a know-it-all American. Plus, she was making me feel insecure with my lack of ‘status’ in this city – as yet I have no job and no ‘lifestyle’ - none of the security blankets which provide a convincing springboard from which to answer back and in other people’s eyes give you the right to an opinion. All I have, in fact, is a cheque book full of blue cheques (and they are probably the wrong colour…)

On the walk home she insisted I should have all of the following in the next few days or else I’d clearly not survive in New York – a manicure, a pedicure, a new hairstyle, a new wardrobe, Fergie’s diet plan and a face lift – all of course accompanied by her, so that she’s able to check that I’m doing them properly. She thinks she’s helping and she wants to be my ‘friend’, all of which makes it worse.
I think what I actually need is a new apartment as far away as possible.

Unfortunately she is going to be difficult to avoid. Not only does ‘My Mother 2 The Sequel’ live next door (and has got used to ringing our doorbell frequently for a myriad of strange reasons – such as to inform me what type of bath cleaner to buy or to donate her old bed linen….), but she also practically runs the whole block, having lived here since the Upper Jurassic Period. She knows everyone here, in the streets, in the restaurants and probably the whole of NY.

I’m sure the neighbours mean well, and to be fair, they were very helpful and generous to the TH before my arrival in the US, and he finds them quite entertaining, but it terrifies me to think that I have become Mrs. N’s new ‘project’.
Staring hopefully at mysterious hole in kitchen wall – perhaps I can drill through and create an escape chute to avoid walking past their door……

So back to this morning. I clearly couldn’t go out due to the unacceptable state of my nails, hair, face, wardrobe etc. So I set about resolving the itunes issue. Three hours later and I am definitely a genius. Itunes5 and iscrobbler are now working perfectly. (Feel free to ask if you are also having problems and need the genius shark fix. It’s lengthy, but it works.)

Later I will creep out after dark to see EST at Joe’s Pub. Until then – let’s see just how LOUD I can play my music…………..

Executive summary: Dinner with the neighbours and fixed itunes5.
Live music: EST – Joe’s Pub NY.                              

5 Comments:

Anonymous steve said...

But sharky, that's the joy of living in New York - it's legal to shoot your neighbours just for being annoying. It's the American Way.

I guess with all those long sleeved shirts it's going to take you a while to get used to the right to bare arms. :)

6:08 PM, September 20, 2005  
Blogger purplemafling said...

Dear Sister quickly shut that door and get a dog. The bigger the better and one that needs walking every time she comes knocking..... and preferably one that bites 'mother'look alikes. Big XXX HF

8:23 AM, September 21, 2005  
Blogger Catster said...

most scary indeed! as well as large dog, think extra locks may also be called for, along with urgent watching of a certain dvd for possible survival tips!
Failing that, work out how to make a cloak of invisibility like HP's...xx

11:10 AM, September 21, 2005  
Blogger jimbobwoof said...

Go on the attack. Initiate the conversation with gnomic statements, non sequiturs and open rhetorical questions. Then go for jugular...stream of consciousness! Its been known send listeners to a statement near delirium or unconsciousness is seconds.

Give me her number......

4:11 AM, September 23, 2005  
Blogger codenameLizzy said...

Sharkster
Light up a fag every time you see her.
xxxx

5:01 PM, September 23, 2005  

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