Sunday, May 13, 2007


Have spent the week in dark gigs on account of half my face turning blue. I take it this is some sort of after-effect of wisdom teeth removal, but at my post-op appointment on Thursday the surgeon was convinced that it was way too late for bruises to start appearing so it must be something to do with the TH. I could have dined out on that one quite a bit this week, if I were able to dine yet, that is.
The medical profession will say anything here to avoid being sued, although I guess I could have sued him for libel.

So last night en-route to another gig, the TH and I stumbled into one of those peculiarly New York cab experiences.
Granted it was a people carrier, but it's not often you get into a taxi and immediately realise that you're sharing it with quite a few others. For starters there was a large cat draped across the top of the dashboard. And a young child in the front passenger seat. I say 'in' but she had no seatbelt on and a very bad case of ADD, so was more or less everywhere in the car except in the front passenger seat. She spent most of the journey on or around the steering wheel, occasionally crawling down to experiment with the pedals. The driver, who was straight out of The Sopranos, seemed totally oblivious to this and was on his cellphone ordering takeout pizza whilst simultaneously running a heartfelt momologue to nobody in particular about how cellphones cause brain tumours and in 34 years exactly, all the cellphone companies would have to compensate everyone and hence provide him with a pension. In his free hand he was brandishing a bottle of chocolate milk at just about every other driver on the road.
At one point the cat stretched and yawned, completely obscuring the windscreen, the chocolate milk went flying and were it not for the child landing on the brake pedal, last night's gig would have had two less patrons. It was during the emergency stop, as we lurched backwards that we noticed the jagged metal rods protruding between our seats and turned round to find the entire contents of somebody's house in the back. Completely obscuring the rear window. Maths has never been my strong point so I genuinely lost count of the number of violations we were dealing with here, but that was probably just as well, seeing as we were stuck in a confined space with a couple of troubled Sopranos. And I'm not talking about their vocal range.

I do love the Eggplants, but I've never felt quite so happy to arrive at one of their gigs. We handed over a ten dollar bill for the 7 dollar fare. The child (who can't have been older than 6) grabbed the money and asked us threateningly if we wanted change. Of course we didn't.....


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